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awake or still dreaming

Thursday, February 23 2012 Views: 262


the first thing i dreamed, it wasn't really much of a dream, so much as i was just nautious because i had been doing my mental control routine in my sleep i guess, and it forced me to wake up because i had to realize that nothing was right, as half my brain was shut down.  i woke up thinking and feeling like i could not ignore the discrepancy any longer.  it made me feel really paranoyed for a while so i went to bed with the light on.  lol.


then i dreamed that i was running around this town as a teenager or a young man with the responsibilities of a teenager, and there was someone else there too, running around with me, sort of in constant competition, but in a good way.  i felt like he was bob.  


i was then in a laundromat receiving a call from an 888 number.  the man on the line said he wanted me to take down my comment on google something or other about measuring the actual size of his apartment doorways with a tape measure, but i explained that it was actually helping him rather than hindering his sales.  he was silent, and i was asking "hello, are you there"  but i knew he was.  so i repeated myself and hung up.


most my life i will be controlled by my perceptions of the people around me.  but those perceptions will always start somewhere and end somewhere.. never completing the full circle of the big picture.  so it is much less about what i think, and more about how i act on it.  or how i don't act on it.  at least one thing i wish i could always remember, is that a perception is almost nothing, it is so proprietary and only accessible to the one who perceived it.  i can picture myself always going on, believing in the perceptions that glaze over the fronts of my eyes and keep me going, like a carrot on a stick.  even the most innocent thing can seem offensive if you perceive it with such salience as we humans tend to see things.  it's so hard to remain impartial.


i always let myself make mistakes because i think i can't do any better.  when actually, i can, i just can't do perfect.  there may be a much longer way to perfect than i want to believe.  i discount others' places because i know how much of it is all in their heads.. but i can not be any different either.  i like the feeling of rest, and i want it to be all-the-time.. but that involves perceiving what rest is.. and therein lies the problem of thinking that.. it's out of my sight.  whatever i think about it will be what i manifest.. but it will never be right.. 




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