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I'm just falling asleep, napping at TD's. i hear the kids talking loud just outside the bedroom door. "they're trying to wake me" i think. maybe i should just get up now. i start to try to wake myself up but its that heavy thick sort of sleep so hard to surface from. then i hear a vacuum cleaner sound just outside the door. again i think "they're trying to make noise so that i'll wake up."
dream skips. i've woken from my nap and Lo and M are in the bedroom with me. i'm sitting on the bed. TD's dog P is at the end of the bed looking at me. i see a drop of water fall on top of his head. i look up and see a steady drip falling from the ceiling. then i notice other ones some of them steady streams of water spilling down onto the bed and floor. i see a pile of white porcelain pans in a corner. i tell the kids to grab pans and place them to catch the water. i find my phone. i need to call TD. but my phone looks strange and i'm having trouble working it. that's when i realize i'm dreaming.
i look around. Lo's still in the room but M isn't. i ask her if she remembers me telling her before that she's in my dream. she says she doesn't. so i explain to her that we don't have to worry about the leaks because i'm dreaming and she's just here in my dream. i tell her she can do anything she wants. she smiles and says "can i have a snack?" i tell her she can go into the kitchen and eat everything in there if she wants. her eyes light up and she runs out of the room. i walk out and find M in the hallway. i tell him too that this is a dream and that he can do anything he wants. he says "what should i do?" i remember him saying he couldn't wait to be 16 so that he can drive. i say "you could drive my car!" he laughs at this and i run back into the bedroom, get my car key, and give it to him. he runs away with it before i remember the thing about electronic things working strangely in dreams. i go outside after him and find him on the front porch. i tell him he might have trouble driving because of the dream thing. he says "and what if i crash?" i tell him that he can't really get hurt because its a dream. but then i remember that he could still feel pain so i tell him that maybe he should try something else. i tell him that he could try dying in the dream, just climb high into a tree and jump. then i say no no i know why don't you try to fly? i jump from the top porch step and fly up a bit then back again to show him. by now Lo is outside too and they both try. they can only get a few feet above the ground before they glide back down but they are laughing and having fun.
i fly away out to the street. glide down to the grass then walk to the end of the street. i decide i want to walk into one of the houses. i choose the one at the end with the glassed-in corner sunroom. i walk up a brick path to the front door, open it and just walk inside. there's a fifty-ish man in the livingroom. i walk up to him. he says "ah yes" and reaches for a check on the table and hands it to me. i thank him and turn around. just then a doorbell rings and his wife appears from upstairs to answer the door. its a woman that looks like me, the one who should've gotten the check. the wife sees me with the check in my hand and glares at me. i just laugh and push back her and out the front door.
back outside i see a tall tenement-looking building at the end of the street. there are a group of people gathered outside. as i walk up i see one of them, a twenty-something woman smack a little black/brown dog in the face. i walk right up to her and grab her wrists, look hard into her eyes, and i say "don't hit your dog." she tries to pull away. she has a cigarette in one of her hands. i hold her wrists tight though and say it again: "don't hit your dog." she tells me she usually doesn't and that she won't any more she promises. i'm satisfied with that and i let her wrists go and walk away and into the building.
i'm walking up a stairwell. the stairs are covered in an ugly orange carpeting. there's someone else in the stairwell coming down the steps towards me. someone carrying a boom box on their shoulder. i think its a guy at first but then as the person gets closer i notice breasts under the t-shirt. definitely a gay girl. she's talking on a bluetooth ear thngy but i act like i think she's talking to me and answer her and she looks up at me irritated, points to the ear thingy but i act like i don't understand. we're on a landing now and there's a window leading out to a little overhang roof. she opens the window and climbs out, pulls the window mostly closed behind her. the bottom part of the window is partly covered in a blue-tinted plastic. its a really pretty shade of blue. i lean forward and look through. the woman out there sees me do this and catches my eyes, smiles. she says to me "i know i know i'm so whipped." i take this to mean that she's being made to carry down the boom-box to the gathering outside, that the woman that hit the dog is her girlfriend and that she asked her to go up and get the thing to provide music for her friends. i smile at her, wave a little wave then turn away and continue up the orange-carpeted stairs.
i keep climbing the stairs until i find myself out on the roof of the building. there's a huge swimming pool up here. lots of people swimmng and lying out in the sun. i see M playing in the water. he spots me and comes over. he says "this is so fun!" i ask him if he remembers that he's in a dream. he tells me does and asks what else can he do. i say "well do you like girls yet?" and he nods and i tell him he could just go up to any of them and kiss them. his face lights up at this and he grabs a little girl his age and pulls her to him and kisses her hard on the lips. the girl tries to squirm away but he holds her close and makes loud kissy noises. when he's done he comes back to me. "now what?" i think about him saying in the car one day that he would like to go to a nude beach so that he could see "all the boobies". i tell him that he could just pull up someone's bikini top and see their "boobies". he gets really excited about this. i see him turn and search the crowd till he finds this woman with pretty big breasts. he points at her and looks at me and i shrug and say "go for it." he walks up to her and starts trying to yank her bathing suit top up but its too tight and he can't quite get it up. the woman is just standing there like she knows exactly what's going on and is fine with the little scene playing out. i call out "hold on M, i'll help you." i go over and pull the woman's top up over her breasts. underneath though i find something strange. two squishy pink latex falsies held up by a chain around her neck. she smiles at me and lifts them up. underneath her skin is all scarred and there is a tattoo of a vine twining round where her breasts used to be. a pretty tattoo over the ugly puckered skin. i turn to M and explain to him what must have happened.
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I am in a room, and for some reason, I am interviewing for the job again, with BH, the head of Marketing at the company I have been contract working at. she's going over and over my background, every work-thing i've ever done... it starts getting more personal, I start feeling kind of exposed, like she's going to figure out that i have a past... everything shifts into a room that looks like the inside of a big ship. I think I live here.
there's a semi enclosed living-section towards the front, near the door. there's a table and low couches and a phone. Up behind and beyond that, there's lots of burgundy carpet, balconies, hallways, lighting fixtures. i think i live with some imaginary dream character roomate, who i don't really like and i'm dreading her coming home. i'm not sure, but i think i remember i'm supposed to be going out for dinner to a Japanese restaurant with my friend KT, and another friend who I know but can't remember.
i'm sitting in a pile of pillows in the living section of the boat-room, and the phone rings. it's an old fashioned 70's heavy plastic phone with one of those curly cords. I pick it up and it's BH again. she has more questions for me, and wants to discuss things further. she wants to know why i want the job and i tell her. i'm completely honest, and tell her that i'm a total control freak and the idea of having control over the brand standards of a big corporation is really appealing. i couch my power trip in corporate catch phrases and i know she understands what i am saying and is listening. the phone call goes on and on and on and on... so many questions.....finally the conversation is over and we hang up.
now i am sitting, trying to recover from that phone call, and pull my thoughts together. i am trying again to remember what my plans were for the evening, but i'm sort of disoriented, disjointed. can't quite put together a timeline for myself. I go to get into my car. Evidently i'm now driving an old yellow chevy nova. i'm fooling with the crank that rolls down the drivers side window and i hear something and look up. it's H (ex friend) standing there, banging on the window and telling me what ia piece of shit i am. suddenly I remember K. I want to get out of here and get to K.... H is making me angry though, she won't let up. i get out of the car and start hitting her with my fist- blood... then I have her by the neck and i'm slamming her head into my back window. i feel completely justified. i kick her down my driveway and get back in the car.
shift...i'm in the car, driving to try to find K... i don't quite know where i'm going . i can't remember exactly where she lives from here, and nothing looks familiar, and i text her on my phone and she doesn't answer. i drive home because i have to get back to the house before my imaginary roomate comes home and finds i'm not there, and is pissed.
shift...back at the house.. phone rings again. BH calls me back. she says she's coming to my house in person to tell me the 'good news.' i say okay. i get t he impression that by saying "my house" she means, my mind. made sense at the time. soon there's a knock on the door and BH comes in with her assistant. She is a heavyset, powerful woman, and her assistant is young and attentive and sort of scampers at her feet. she announces that she's decided to give me the job, and i can tell that she wanted to come over here to see my reaction- she wanted to see my face when she told me. she's happy for me, it's good. i watch the exchange between BH and the assistant with interest- it's such a power game, and i can see by looking at the assistant's face that she enjoys her role, but she has much more going on that is first apparant. They leave
Knock at the door. It's KT, and the friend, but the dream KT is much thinner and blonde, with her hair pulled back and big blue eyes. it's driving me crazy that i can't remember the friend she has with her that is also supposed to be my friend. We go to the Japanese restaurant. there's one of those cat clocks on the wall and it's ticking, ticking, and I watch the eyes cut back and forth each second, as the tail switches in time. we're eating rice with chopsticks, and suddenly I remember that I am supposed to be having dinner with my roomate, not KT... then the roomate comes in- pissed. she's raging at me because i didn't do what I was supposed to. she says 'too bad it'd not a good night for you!" and I tell her, 'oh, but it is a good night for me- i got good news,' and I tell her about my new job.
then she sort of evaporates... and i am heading back home trying to find K again.. I'm hoping I can find her because i want to tell her my news. i pick up the big plastic phone receiver, and i'm trying to dial her number on the keypad, but i just can't seem to punch the numbers in right.
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there’s a woman — not me, i’m sort of disembodied, watching. she’s leaning against the trunk of a big rusty light blue car, like a seventies Lincoln or something. she’s thinking hard, planning something. she lifts the trunk lid, and the trunk is filled with autumn leaves, bright yellows and reds and oranges, and she’s going to a party. the leaves are to burn on the bonfire. to start the fire up.
there’s also huge chunks of asphalt in the car, the party will be off a dirt road, and sometimes it’s hard to drive over without getting stuck in deep muddy ruts, so she’s bringing the chunks of asphalt, in case she needs to use them to build a section of road. this makes sense at the time. there’s a girl that’s going to be at the party that she thinks she could love. the woman is caught up in confusion, sexual tension... she doesn’t know if the girl loves her back... she dreads the prospect of standing by the fire pit alone, shoveling huge armloads of leaves onto the flames by herself, and watching them curl and burn.
she gets into the car an drives off... then everything shifts, and she’s me. i’m pulling the car into the parking lot at work. for some reason i had to stop here before i went to the bonfire party. i run into some co workers, i talk to some random people. i am here because i need to get some sort of paperwork done on the car, and it’s turning into a lot of trouble, very complicated. i keep having to stop working on my problem with the car and take care of some of my real work. there are grids of number, charts in the forms, and they correspond to real life, and must be ordered absolutely correctly, and i can’t leave to go to the party until this is done. the only way i know for sure that the grids are right, is if they match up to the number blocks in my head, which slide and click together in the dark inside my head.
i get up to walk down the hall and look out the window... i thought in my peripheral hearing, that i heard somebody say something about the security guards that wear the brown suits were going to start towing vehicles, and i remember that the car is not my regular car, and on top of that, i have not straightened out whatever the paperwork problem was.... so i may need to go move it. all the cubicles look different. they have tall thick glass dividers, and i know all the glass is bulletproof. i start to pass the section of workers who take the customer service calls. there’s a heavyset young woman- she has one of those bluetooth earpieces on. there’s a stack of books on her desk with gold gilt edged pages. i walk up and pick up one of the books, and see that it’s some kind of religious book. not a new testament, but something similar, and the other books are part of that series... she’s some kind of christian fanatic.
she looks at me like i’m dirty, and she looks down on me.. and it pisses me off. i open the book i’m holding, and slowly rip out one of the pages. it’s really thin paper, almost see through. she’s staring at me, and her face is getting really red and flushed. i ball up the page and throw it, then rip another and repeat, rip and repeat. i’m getting a lot of satisfaction ripping he pages, and i can see her fury building. i want her to come after me, i’m waiting. i want her to try to hurt me... to try to hurt me with her righteousness. finally she lunges at me, barreling all of her weight at me. i don’t budge though- i knew i wouldnt. i get my hand around her neck, and shove her up against the glass partition- her feet dangling in the air.
even though she weighs three times what i do, i don’t seem to have any trouble doing this. i have the urge to humiliate her... with malicious glee i unbutton her jeans with my free hand and start yanking her pants down. she’s so fat, i’m having trouble getting them down, they keep catching on her sweaty fat rolls. finally i get them down, and i see that she’s gotten excited by this whole thing. this strikes me as funny. i push her further up the glass partition, so her bare bottom and sex is smashed up against it. people are walking by on the other side, looking at it like it’s a sensational sculpture in a museum, gawking with educated interest...
somewhere in here, i lose interest in tormenting the woman... i’m in the parking lot looking for my car now, and it’s not where i remembered parking it. then i remember i parked somewhere different today because i came in late. i go there, but the car is not there either... i’m trying so hard to remember where i parked the car, but nothing is coming into place for me.I see the brown-clad security guards- they have guns, and they look tough and lean, like they mean business, and for some reason i have to hide from them- they can’t see me...probably because i’m in trouble for what i did to the woman upstairs.... and i’m still looking looking for the car, and can’t find it. i go back to where i had originally thought i parked and this time i notice chunks of asphalt laying on the ground... like the ones i had with me. damn...now i know that my car has probably been towed and i have no way of getting out of here.
i’m trying to figure out what to do, then it occcurs to me that i can call k... she’ll come get me. i flip open my cell phone, but i can’t get the numbers dialed in right. i try over and over again, but i can get 7 digits in. i can see the numbers on the display but they are never right. i am going to have to somehow get back inside, and find a landline. i notice a door near the parking garage entrace- it must be a lower level entrance. i turn the knob and it opens, i walk into a narrow hallway, beige and institutional.... there’s a black door at the end, and i walk down and open that door too. it opens into a lavish boardroom- dark and empty. there’s a huge long heavy carved wood table, with throne-like chairs around it. the walls are all covered in blood red velvet wallpaper. there’s a grand chandelier in the middle of the room, dripping with crystal. at the far end of the room, there’s a gold gilt picture frame, and a portrait- it’s a half and half face. half is a classical jesus portrait, and the other half of the face is morphed into the devil. i gape at the portrait... i feel my phone buzz in my hand, i open it and it’s k- i can hear her voice saying she’s coming to pick me up, she says to get out of there, and to get down to the road. i run out of the room,